You stop worrying about the etymology of the word CROWBAR. Instead, you grip LISA THE LUG WRENCH tightly as KATH drives with what you assume is wild abandon to the KIBBLER COOKIES FACTORY.
"We're here!" KATH says.
"Already?" you say.
"Come on," she says and gets out of the car. "Time to beat some ELVES."
You try out several motivational one liners in order to follow her: LET'S KICK THE TIRES AND LIGHT THE FIRES, THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK, GO AHEAD MAKE MY DAY, I KICK ASS FOR THE LORD, SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND, DODGE THIS, GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH, DEAD OR ALIVE YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, and SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH.
None of them work to motivate you. Still, the thought of KATH thinking you are a coward (combined with the fact that staying ALONE outside an evil factory is probably just as dangerous as going inside) pushes you to get out and follow her.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and YOU FORGOT "LET'S SHOW THIS PREHISTORIC BITCH HOW WE DO THINGS DOWNTOWN."
What do you want to do?
>ASK IF WE HAVE ANY KIND OF WEAPONRY BEFORE SHE REALISES WHAT WE JUST SAID.
At the mention of the word "weaponry," KATH THE HOT REDHEAD turns to you and grins.
"Oh yes," she says. "The only thing that works against ELVES is COLD IRON. Look in the back seat."
You turn to the back seat and see it: a CROWBAR. It's old and battered and looks like it has BARRED many CROWS (if this is the etymology of the word).
"That's my baby," KATH says. "I call it ELFCRUSHER." You must admit, that does sound like an awesome name.
"That's cool," you say. "Is there another crowbar I can use?"
KATH's grin slowly fades as she stops the car. "Hold on one second," she says as she gets out. You can hear her opening the trunk and rummaging through, saying things like "No," "That won't do," and "That's just a curling iron, not cold iron." Finally, she walks back to the car door and hands you something.
It is a LUG WRENCH. It doesn't look like an ELFCRUSHER. So instead you name it LISA.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and WHAT IS THE ETYMOLOGY OF CROWBAR ANYWAY?
What do you want to do?
"Oh yes," she says. "The only thing that works against ELVES is COLD IRON. Look in the back seat."
You turn to the back seat and see it: a CROWBAR. It's old and battered and looks like it has BARRED many CROWS (if this is the etymology of the word).
"That's my baby," KATH says. "I call it ELFCRUSHER." You must admit, that does sound like an awesome name.
"That's cool," you say. "Is there another crowbar I can use?"
KATH's grin slowly fades as she stops the car. "Hold on one second," she says as she gets out. You can hear her opening the trunk and rummaging through, saying things like "No," "That won't do," and "That's just a curling iron, not cold iron." Finally, she walks back to the car door and hands you something.
It is a LUG WRENCH. It doesn't look like an ELFCRUSHER. So instead you name it LISA.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and WHAT IS THE ETYMOLOGY OF CROWBAR ANYWAY?
What do you want to do?
>SHE SAID LOOK AT IT. SO LET'S LOOKIT THAT MAP S'MORE.
You look at the map some more. At the bottom of the map is written KIBBLER COOKIES INC. The map itself is helpfully labeled with such rooms as COOKIE PROCESSING ROOM, COOKIE TESTING ROOM, CONVEYER BELTS OF DOOM ROOM, and RANDOM CRUSHING MACHINES ROOM. You close your eyes and sigh.
>ALSO, ASK HOW SCREWED WE ARE AGAINST ELVES.
"It all depends," KATH says, "on what type of elves we are up against. There are three types:
"One: your STANDARD ELVES. These guys are a snap. Easy to beat.
"Two: your MIDDLE MANAGEMENT ELVES. These guys are tougher - they have magic called crackle that can hurt like the dickens.
"And three: your BOSS ELVES. These guys are the worst - they can pop up anywhere."
You ponder her words for a minute and then say, "So our choices are snap, crackle, or pop?"
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and THAT WAS BAD. JUST BAD.
What do you want to do?
>ALSO, ASK HOW SCREWED WE ARE AGAINST ELVES.
"It all depends," KATH says, "on what type of elves we are up against. There are three types:
"One: your STANDARD ELVES. These guys are a snap. Easy to beat.
"Two: your MIDDLE MANAGEMENT ELVES. These guys are tougher - they have magic called crackle that can hurt like the dickens.
"And three: your BOSS ELVES. These guys are the worst - they can pop up anywhere."
You ponder her words for a minute and then say, "So our choices are snap, crackle, or pop?"
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and THAT WAS BAD. JUST BAD.
What do you want to do?
>ASK IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW.
"Sure," she says. "Could you take a look at this?" She hands you a piece of paper that has been folded several times.
You carefully unfold it (still wondering if perhaps you should ask for clarification on whether it was ELVES or ELVIS) and see that it's a map. A map of a GIANT FACTORY.
"That's the last place I know the ELVES were at," she says (and now you're sure she said ELVES). "That's where we're going."
"Um," you say, "not to disagree with you or anything, but...why would ELVES take away the internet?"
"Why?" she says. "For the COOKIES. What else?"
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and STILL IN A MOVING VEHICLE SORRY.
What do you want to do?
You carefully unfold it (still wondering if perhaps you should ask for clarification on whether it was ELVES or ELVIS) and see that it's a map. A map of a GIANT FACTORY.
"That's the last place I know the ELVES were at," she says (and now you're sure she said ELVES). "That's where we're going."
"Um," you say, "not to disagree with you or anything, but...why would ELVES take away the internet?"
"Why?" she says. "For the COOKIES. What else?"
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and STILL IN A MOVING VEHICLE SORRY.
What do you want to do?
>STOP YOUR WORRYING AND OBEY HER ORDER, SHE SAID TO "GET IN."
Since she hasn't said anything, you think you can safely assume that your faux pas can be ignored. You get into KATH THE HOT REDHEAD'S CAR.
As cars go, it's comfortable. You think about nicknaming the CAR, but you realize that KATH might already have a name for it and you nicknaming it would be an even further faux pas. You also realize that you like the phrase faux pas. It's one of the few French phrases that's fun to say.
It's then that KATH THE HOT REDHEAD really starts driving the car. Quickling buckling your seatbelt (another lesson from MOM), you notice that KATH seems to drive like not only is there NO TOMORROW, but also if there is a tomorrow, she really really does not want to see it.
You close your eyes and ask, "So, about this lead you have?"
"Oh yeah," KATH says. "I'm a PI and I was investigating some corporate espionage between ISPs when I heard about it."
"Terrorists?" you tentatively ask. "Foreign spys? Aliens?"
"No," she says. "Worse: ELVES."
You think for a moment that you misheard her, that perhaps the speed of the car made her words come out differently. She didn't say ELVES, you rationalize, she said ELVIS. ELVIS has returned and stolen the internet. Yes, that must be it.
Of course, an UNDEAD ELVIS may or may not be worse that actual ELVES.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and YOU'RE INSIDE A MOVING VEHICLE YOU CAN'T GO IN ANY OF THOSE DIRECTIONS.
What do you want to do?
As cars go, it's comfortable. You think about nicknaming the CAR, but you realize that KATH might already have a name for it and you nicknaming it would be an even further faux pas. You also realize that you like the phrase faux pas. It's one of the few French phrases that's fun to say.
It's then that KATH THE HOT REDHEAD really starts driving the car. Quickling buckling your seatbelt (another lesson from MOM), you notice that KATH seems to drive like not only is there NO TOMORROW, but also if there is a tomorrow, she really really does not want to see it.
You close your eyes and ask, "So, about this lead you have?"
"Oh yeah," KATH says. "I'm a PI and I was investigating some corporate espionage between ISPs when I heard about it."
"Terrorists?" you tentatively ask. "Foreign spys? Aliens?"
"No," she says. "Worse: ELVES."
You think for a moment that you misheard her, that perhaps the speed of the car made her words come out differently. She didn't say ELVES, you rationalize, she said ELVIS. ELVIS has returned and stolen the internet. Yes, that must be it.
Of course, an UNDEAD ELVIS may or may not be worse that actual ELVES.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and YOU'RE INSIDE A MOVING VEHICLE YOU CAN'T GO IN ANY OF THOSE DIRECTIONS.
What do you want to do?
>SAY YES STUPID. Specifically, say "Yes." Don't say "Yes, stupid." Oh god, that's the opposite of what we want to do.
You say "Yes," then thankfully cut yourself off before you say "stupid." You congratulate yourself when KATH THE HOT REDHEAD opens up the passanger door and says, "Get in then."
Unbidden, another piece of advice from your MOTHER comes to you (alongside "always look both ways" and "always wear clean underpants"): never accept rides from STRANGERS.
Now, you know her name and that she is a very HOT REDHEAD, but besides that, KATH is a STRANGER. For all you know, she could be a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN -- you need to test her to make sure she is not a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN.
(In your mind, if she fails the test, she will then applaud your deductive skills, admit to being a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN, then explain that she is, in fact, a GOOD FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN, out to stop the rest of the FOREIGN SPIES and/or ALIENS and has chosen you to help her because of your excellent deductive skills. You know this is very far-fetched, but still: it would be awesome.)
"So," you say, ready to begin the test, "how about them...sports?" Suddenly, it occurs to you that, in fact, you know nothing about sports. A better test might have been knowing all the words to the Star-Spangled Banner, but the only ones you can remember are "dawn's early light." (You can be reasonably sure that you yourself are not a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN, simply due to the fact that if you were, your life would be less boring.)
KATH THE HOT REDHEAD arches one eyebrow in a gesture that says three words and a question mark.
This has not gone as planned.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and SMOOTH MOVE REAL SMOOTH.
What do you want to do?
Unbidden, another piece of advice from your MOTHER comes to you (alongside "always look both ways" and "always wear clean underpants"): never accept rides from STRANGERS.
Now, you know her name and that she is a very HOT REDHEAD, but besides that, KATH is a STRANGER. For all you know, she could be a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN -- you need to test her to make sure she is not a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN.
(In your mind, if she fails the test, she will then applaud your deductive skills, admit to being a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN, then explain that she is, in fact, a GOOD FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN, out to stop the rest of the FOREIGN SPIES and/or ALIENS and has chosen you to help her because of your excellent deductive skills. You know this is very far-fetched, but still: it would be awesome.)
"So," you say, ready to begin the test, "how about them...sports?" Suddenly, it occurs to you that, in fact, you know nothing about sports. A better test might have been knowing all the words to the Star-Spangled Banner, but the only ones you can remember are "dawn's early light." (You can be reasonably sure that you yourself are not a FOREIGN SPY and/or ALIEN, simply due to the fact that if you were, your life would be less boring.)
KATH THE HOT REDHEAD arches one eyebrow in a gesture that says three words and a question mark.
This has not gone as planned.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and SMOOTH MOVE REAL SMOOTH.
What do you want to do?
> WHOA HOT REDHEAD
"Whoa," you intone Keanu-like. It is not your finest moment.
"You're name is WHOA?" KATH THE HOT REDHEAD asks. "That's kind of a weird name, but whatever. Anyway, you look like a nice ageless, faceless, gender-neutral, culturally ambiguous adventure person, so I'm going to tell you something: I have a lead on what happened to the internet. Do you want to help me?"
You can feel the future unfolding like one of those metal chairs they hit people with in wrestling. And like those metal chairs, the future looks sleek and shiny and awesome. And it looks like it can hurt.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and SAY YES STUPID.
What do you want to do?
"You're name is WHOA?" KATH THE HOT REDHEAD asks. "That's kind of a weird name, but whatever. Anyway, you look like a nice ageless, faceless, gender-neutral, culturally ambiguous adventure person, so I'm going to tell you something: I have a lead on what happened to the internet. Do you want to help me?"
You can feel the future unfolding like one of those metal chairs they hit people with in wrestling. And like those metal chairs, the future looks sleek and shiny and awesome. And it looks like it can hurt.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and SAY YES STUPID.
What do you want to do?
>HOPE YOU ARE WEARING CLEAN UNDERPANTS
You fervently hope that your underpants are clean.
> use James' calculator app to compute the speed and trajectory of the oncoming car, and figure the probability that you can jump clear in time.
Maneuvering with McGyver-like speed, you quickly open JAMES THE LAPTOP up and use the calculator app to compute the SPEED and TRAJECTORY of the oncoming car -- and come to the conclusion that you CAN jump clear in time.
Unfortunately, you have used the time you could have jumped clear in order to calculate the amount of time in order to jump clear. Calculating, unlike talking, is not a free action. You go back to hoping for clean underpants.
The car, fortunately, sees you in time and swerves to avoid you -- then slows and reverses. The car window opens and a WOMAN WITH RED HAIR looks out at you. She bares a striking resemble to AMY POND from the HIT BRITISH SHOW "DOCTOR WHO."
"Hi," she says. "I'm sorry about that, I could barely see you with all the BURNING CARS around. My name is KATH. What's your name?"
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and WHOA HOT REDHEAD.
What do you want to do?
> use James' calculator app to compute the speed and trajectory of the oncoming car, and figure the probability that you can jump clear in time.
Maneuvering with McGyver-like speed, you quickly open JAMES THE LAPTOP up and use the calculator app to compute the SPEED and TRAJECTORY of the oncoming car -- and come to the conclusion that you CAN jump clear in time.
Unfortunately, you have used the time you could have jumped clear in order to calculate the amount of time in order to jump clear. Calculating, unlike talking, is not a free action. You go back to hoping for clean underpants.
The car, fortunately, sees you in time and swerves to avoid you -- then slows and reverses. The car window opens and a WOMAN WITH RED HAIR looks out at you. She bares a striking resemble to AMY POND from the HIT BRITISH SHOW "DOCTOR WHO."
"Hi," she says. "I'm sorry about that, I could barely see you with all the BURNING CARS around. My name is KATH. What's your name?"
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and WHOA HOT REDHEAD.
What do you want to do?
>CROSS THE GODDAMN ROAD YOU PANSY.
Fine, geez, just stop yelling.
You carefully look both ways (like your MOM taught you) and then start to cross the road. It is like you are playing a post-apocalyptic game of FROGGER except you are the FROG and the only cars are BURNING CARS and you don't have three lives and now you realize that that metaphor doesn't really make sense.
When you are right in the middle of the road, you see a CAR coming towards you at HIGH SPEEDS. It is not, actually, on fire. And it's probably going to hit you.
So much for looking both ways.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and HOPE YOU ARE WEARING CLEAN UNDERPANTS.
What do you want to do?
You carefully look both ways (like your MOM taught you) and then start to cross the road. It is like you are playing a post-apocalyptic game of FROGGER except you are the FROG and the only cars are BURNING CARS and you don't have three lives and now you realize that that metaphor doesn't really make sense.
When you are right in the middle of the road, you see a CAR coming towards you at HIGH SPEEDS. It is not, actually, on fire. And it's probably going to hit you.
So much for looking both ways.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and HOPE YOU ARE WEARING CLEAN UNDERPANTS.
What do you want to do?
>READ NOTE.
You have no note to read.
>HUG TOM.
You don't know anyone named TOM.
>GO WEST.
Westward ho! Travelling west now, you tuck GREG THE SAUSAGE ROLL into your coat pocket and hold the LAPTOP (which you have named JAMES) under one arm. Determined, you stroll forwarded and promptly run into a problem:
There is a road in front of you. A road lined with BURNING CARS (because, after all, what post-apocalyptic landscape isn't filled with BURNING CARS). It looks a mite dangerous to cross.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and CROSS THE GODDAMN ROAD YOU PANSY.
What do you want to do?
>HUG TOM.
You don't know anyone named TOM.
>GO WEST.
Westward ho! Travelling west now, you tuck GREG THE SAUSAGE ROLL into your coat pocket and hold the LAPTOP (which you have named JAMES) under one arm. Determined, you stroll forwarded and promptly run into a problem:
There is a road in front of you. A road lined with BURNING CARS (because, after all, what post-apocalyptic landscape isn't filled with BURNING CARS). It looks a mite dangerous to cross.
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and CROSS THE GODDAMN ROAD YOU PANSY.
What do you want to do?
>MY LIFE IS A LIE. TAKE DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN TO THE WEST. WE WILL SETTLE IN A HOME TOGETHER. HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNERS FOR LIFE.
"Come, distraught young man," you say. "Let us live together in this post-apocalyptic wasteland without internet. It'll be like the Road Warrior, only less Australian."
"I'm sorry," the DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN says. "My name is ERNIE and I already have a HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER named BERT. But you can keep my laptop -- it's useless now without the internet." He walks away from you, still rubbing his jaw (you didn't know you had such a powerful punch).
Now you have a LAPTOP and a SAUSAGE ROLL NAMED GREG. Can you solve the problem of the missing internet? Can YOU save the world?
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and PROBABLY NOT.
What do you want to do?
"I'm sorry," the DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN says. "My name is ERNIE and I already have a HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER named BERT. But you can keep my laptop -- it's useless now without the internet." He walks away from you, still rubbing his jaw (you didn't know you had such a powerful punch).
Now you have a LAPTOP and a SAUSAGE ROLL NAMED GREG. Can you solve the problem of the missing internet? Can YOU save the world?
Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and PROBABLY NOT.
What do you want to do?
>STEAL LAPTOP. WATCH NEW MARBLE HORNETS ENTRY. GO ON TVTROPES ON THERE.
You PUNCH OUT the DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN and then grab his LAPTOP. Hurrying, you quickly open a browser window and try to bring up your favorite HORROR YOUTUBE SERIES "MARBLE HORNETS" or TVTROPES. Neither works -- both are 404 pages.
"What's wrong?" you ask the DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN who is now lying on the ground rubbing his jaw.
"I told you," he said. "It's the end of the world. The internet isn't working. All the internet."
Dropping the laptop, you raise your arms high and loudly shout, "NOOOOOOOOO!"
Directions are: NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, WEST, and NOOOOOOOOOO!
What do you want to NOOOOOOOOOOO!
"What's wrong?" you ask the DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN who is now lying on the ground rubbing his jaw.
"I told you," he said. "It's the end of the world. The internet isn't working. All the internet."
Dropping the laptop, you raise your arms high and loudly shout, "NOOOOOOOOO!"
Directions are: NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, WEST, and NOOOOOOOOOO!
What do you want to NOOOOOOOOOOO!
>SOUTH. LOTS AND LOTS OF SOUTH. TAKE SAUSAGE ROLL WITH US.
Clutching your SAUSAGE ROLL (which you have affectionately named GREG), you brave the harsh sunlight and walk SOUTHWARDS.
On your way south, however, you encounter a DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN holding a LAPTOP. "It's the end!" he shouts. "The end of the world!"
Directions are: NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, WEST, and GREG.
What do you want to do?
On your way south, however, you encounter a DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN holding a LAPTOP. "It's the end!" he shouts. "The end of the world!"
Directions are: NORTH, SOUTH, EAST, WEST, and GREG.
What do you want to do?
>READ TROPE LOVERS. GO GAGA OVER HOT NEW TROPES.
You lovingly gaze at the cover of TROPE LOVERS. "We have the HOTTEST new tropes!" it proclaims. Do you dare to open it now? Or do you wait, letting the anticipation slowly build?
>let anticipation build.
You slowly place the the magazine back on the pile of mail.
What do you want do?
>TURN JAR BACK TO A DOOR, OPEN DOOR
You turn the jar back into a door and open it. The sun! It burns!
Directions are: north, east, south, west.
What do you want to do?
>let anticipation build.
You slowly place the the magazine back on the pile of mail.
What do you want do?
>TURN JAR BACK TO A DOOR, OPEN DOOR
You turn the jar back into a door and open it. The sun! It burns!
Directions are: north, east, south, west.
What do you want to do?
>I think we should take the sausage roll and get out of here. To the south.
You clutch the SAUSAGE ROLL close to your heart and mutter "My precious," then walk south.
South is the front door.
>look around
There is more mail piled up right below the mail slot. On top of the pile is a new TROPE LOVERS magazine. The front door is slightly ajar.
Directions are: south, north, east, and west.
What do you want to do?
South is the front door.
>look around
There is more mail piled up right below the mail slot. On top of the pile is a new TROPE LOVERS magazine. The front door is slightly ajar.
Directions are: south, north, east, and west.
What do you want to do?
>Raid the fridge for any meat-pies, preferably rolled-up sausages.
You open the fridge and look at its almost bare shelves. There is only: MUSTARD, a JAR of PICKLE JUICE, and a ROLLED UP BALL of TIN FOIL.
> open up ball of tin foil.
You open up the ROLLED UP BALL of TIN FOIL. Hurrah! Inside you find ONE (1) SAUSAGE ROLL.
> take sausage roll.
You have taken the SAUSAGE ROLL.
What do you want to do?
> open up ball of tin foil.
You open up the ROLLED UP BALL of TIN FOIL. Hurrah! Inside you find ONE (1) SAUSAGE ROLL.
> take sausage roll.
You have taken the SAUSAGE ROLL.
What do you want to do?
> DENNIS
I'm sorry, DENNIS isn't around to help you.
> east.
You go east. This leads you to your kitchen.
>look around
The kitchen is small and messy. There is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink a few days old. The refridgerator looks like it came from the '50s. On the kitchen counter, there is a pile of mail.
Directions are: north, south, west.
What do you want to do?
> east.
You go east. This leads you to your kitchen.
>look around
The kitchen is small and messy. There is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink a few days old. The refridgerator looks like it came from the '50s. On the kitchen counter, there is a pile of mail.
Directions are: north, south, west.
What do you want to do?
Welcome to "TV Tropes the Text Adventure"
You are sitting in your room in front of your computer. Directions are: east, west, north, south. What do you want to do?
> go on tvtropes.org
You can't go on tvtropes.org. Oh no! It's only a 404 page!
> refresh
You frantically hit refresh, but alas, the 404 page simply reappears.
What do you want to do?
> go on tvtropes.org
You can't go on tvtropes.org. Oh no! It's only a 404 page!
> refresh
You frantically hit refresh, but alas, the 404 page simply reappears.
What do you want to do?
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