>MY LIFE IS A LIE. TAKE DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN TO THE WEST. WE WILL SETTLE IN A HOME TOGETHER. HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNERS FOR LIFE.

"Come, distraught young man," you say. "Let us live together in this post-apocalyptic wasteland without internet. It'll be like the Road Warrior, only less Australian."

"I'm sorry," the DISTRAUGHT YOUNG MAN says. "My name is ERNIE and I already have a HETEROSEXUAL LIFE PARTNER named BERT. But you can keep my laptop -- it's useless now without the internet." He walks away from you, still rubbing his jaw (you didn't know you had such a powerful punch).

Now you have a LAPTOP and a SAUSAGE ROLL NAMED GREG. Can you solve the problem of the missing internet? Can YOU save the world?

Directions are: NORTH, EAST, SOUTH, WEST, and PROBABLY NOT.

What do you want to do?